What a weird couple of weeks. There seems to be this really nasty cold/bronchitis doing the rounds at the moment. And this time I didn’t escape it. I haven’t been this sick due to a cold in a very long time. I don’t think there was any part of my body that didn’t ache.

I’ve just finished at the doctors, and everything seems to be going ok. My cough is no longer hurting my throat, I have my energy levels back this morning, and I’m sleeping again. My back and stomach were so sore from coughing all the time which made it very uncomfortable to sit down for any length of time.

So today I’m feeling great, and motivated.

Now the point of this post. I found it so very easy to slide back into old habit’s when you aren’t feeling well. I’ve had a few problems to say the least over the earlier part of my life.

“Ok” so you say, “who hasn’t.”

Some of us learn from those challengers, others of us end up on the merry-go-round and repeat them time after time. Most of these problems stem from an event or chain event when we were children. I had quite a few of those events. When I decided to make changes to my life this year, I’ve kept a very open mind as to what I’m feeling, and what has been going on internally. It has lead me down a path of self discovery and horror at times.

My decent back down into hell this week, has been very different because I’m approaching it with an open mind. I could see why I was doing it, but I still sat back as an observer, and it was hard not to try and take any intervention. Part of me was happy, and satisfied that I was going back down this awful path again. Like it had one not just the battle but the war. It was very disturbing.

This is where it gets strange and hippy. There through all of this was a very stubborn and scared little child. It was me from my childhood. The one that was continually told the world is scary, and should not be trusted at any cost. You will be hurt. There are no positive outcomes, only degrees of pain. It was scared of all the changes I was making, and he needs to know what he can be safe without being so afraid.

So now my focus will be on making myself feel safe. To make my body feel safe, and to integrate this child back into my personality.  It has a very dark edge to it, and I’ve been terrified of the way it makes me feel for a long time. It’s fears aren’t rational, they are the fears a child has, and should of been taken care of a long time ago.  If I ignore it, it won’t go away, but it will continue to sabotage any plans I have for myself.

I won’t continue to lose weight, I won’t continue to get fitter, while it’s the one calling the shorts.

The turmoil that it is creating within me right now is really intense, and  I’ve said things to people over the weekend that I really regret. It was the child talking, and acting, and not the person I’m becoming. The one I’m immensely proud of. So to those I may have hurt over the weekend. I’m sorry.

I’ve had a few people ask me, how are my life plans, and other things progressing? I’m moving along quite happily.

• My health seems to be improving daily. I have more energy, I’m starting to sleep a lot better, and just starting to feel better all round.
• I’m still losing weight. It’s leaving at about 0.5kg-1.0kg a week on average. Some weeks more, others less. That’s about the speed I want to go. I want a lifestyle change, not something which goes away fast, only to return just as quickly. This isn’t ‘The Biggest Loser’ and never will be.
• I’m eating a lot healthier. I’ve reduced the amount of junk I eat very significantly, and swapped it for healthier organic meat, fruit and vege.
• Still cleaning out my house, but have made significant changes. Still more to do.

I wanted things to be permanent, not just a flash in the pan, so I’m taking my time, and doing things right the first time, so I don’t have to do them again.

I’m exercising nearly everyday, but rest when I’m feeling tired and out of sorts. I don’t want it to become a chore, I have to want to do it.

Financially I’m still getting there, and will be a longer term plan. It is taking a while to stabilise my income, and make sure I’ve got a buffer just in case things go south in the future.

I’m still getting use to spending more time on my own. I’ve some very good friends, and I’m seeing them regularly, and doing things which add to my life not just for the sake of catching up. I come from a large family, so having alone time is not something I am use to. I’ve always wanted a crowd around me, and to be invited to do things ‘all the time’. I’m finding I’m now spending more time on doing things that are helpful to me, and what I want in life. I have to admit it’s been a struggle. I feel guilty spending time and effort on myself. Like I don’t deserve it. I’ve always focused the majority of my energy on other people. Helping them to do things, and not much on myself. The guilt is because I feel selfish spending that time on myself. It’s a crazy situation to be in. I’m always suprised when people want to spend time with me, or do things with me. I will get use to it in time.

I must say, i’m getting much more done at home, and in my own personal development. I’m extremely proud of how far I’ve come in just over 2 months. I have momentum for the first time in my life, and it feels good.

Adz

At the beginning of December,  I was thinking about what New Years resolutions I wanted to write down and work on. About 20 minutes into it, I was like ‘what the..’ and promptly stopped. I didn’t want 2010 to be the same as the years that had gone before it. I wanted to make some changes, and my standard new years resolutions weren’t going to cut it. Like most people I would put them down, and by February they were all forgotten about.

I was single for the first time in years, and had lost the shield of a relationship to prevent me from doing the things I should be doing. I have to admit I’m damn lonely at the moment, but it does allow me to have a deeper look into myself and my life.

I decided 2010 was going to be a project, the beginning of a multi-year project. About those things I had been putting off for years. The things I didn’t like about myself, the things I could afford to let go of, and the things I wanted to change. It started off a massive list. I didn’t restrict anything at all. I have to admit it was huge, and it looked very intimidating at first.

One thing that seemed to be showing up through all of this, that most of things I needed help with needed Money of some sorts. Before you arc up and complain that money doesn’t bring you happiness. I know that only to well, but overwhelming debt can make you completely miserable, and effect all facets of your life.  I’m not going to get into detail of what got me into this amount of debt, people close to me already know.

So I ended up with a number of Category’s to work from, which turned out to be.

• Financial Responsibility
• Mental Health & Spirituality
• Physical Health
• Education
• Social Life
• Living Space
• Life Plan
• Relationships

So instead of trying to multitask it, and fail on the first day. I’m focusing on one thing, and when it is settled and bedded in moving on to the next thing.

Well one month in, most of the changes I wanted to financially are done. There will be some on-going maintenance with it, but I’m now happy where most things stand. I will have more money to focus on the other things in my list and life, which are important to me.

I’m actually quite proud of myself today, cause instead of sticking my head in the sand, and hoping it goes away, I feel like I”m starting to move in the right direction.