I’ve been struggling again the last few weeks. I’ve gotten to the point on this journey of discovery, where you start to realise how tough some of the changes are. So many things we do are automatic, and we have done things a certain way for so long, we can’t even remember why we were doing it that way to start with.

The best way to describe it is, my brain is screaming out ‘stop’ at the top of it’s lungs. You are moving too fast, or do you really want to do this. You know deep down that the changes you making are for your own well being in the long run, where the status quo (i’ll call it the 8 year old child) goes why the hell do we need to change anything.

It has gotten so bad recently that it is keeping me awake at night, which is affecting my ability to think straight, or do the things I want to do. I’ve also been wrestling with some demons from my past. Things so deeply disturbing from my childhood, that it has affected every decision in my adult life. Now that it has come to light, I’m finding it frustrating to see the damage that certain events can have on the way you approach situations in you life. I’ve been shaking my head in disbelief with a lot of it.

So where to from here? I keep putting one foot in front of the other. There will be setbacks, and that’s all part of this journey. It is however time to start putting some focus on things I enjoy, as well as the things that help me grow.

Most important thing right now is to be getting plenty of rest, and sleep. So it’s going to my focus for the next little while.

At the beginning of December,  I was thinking about what New Years resolutions I wanted to write down and work on. About 20 minutes into it, I was like ‘what the..’ and promptly stopped. I didn’t want 2010 to be the same as the years that had gone before it. I wanted to make some changes, and my standard new years resolutions weren’t going to cut it. Like most people I would put them down, and by February they were all forgotten about.

I was single for the first time in years, and had lost the shield of a relationship to prevent me from doing the things I should be doing. I have to admit I’m damn lonely at the moment, but it does allow me to have a deeper look into myself and my life.

I decided 2010 was going to be a project, the beginning of a multi-year project. About those things I had been putting off for years. The things I didn’t like about myself, the things I could afford to let go of, and the things I wanted to change. It started off a massive list. I didn’t restrict anything at all. I have to admit it was huge, and it looked very intimidating at first.

One thing that seemed to be showing up through all of this, that most of things I needed help with needed Money of some sorts. Before you arc up and complain that money doesn’t bring you happiness. I know that only to well, but overwhelming debt can make you completely miserable, and effect all facets of your life.  I’m not going to get into detail of what got me into this amount of debt, people close to me already know.

So I ended up with a number of Category’s to work from, which turned out to be.

• Financial Responsibility
• Mental Health & Spirituality
• Physical Health
• Education
• Social Life
• Living Space
• Life Plan
• Relationships

So instead of trying to multitask it, and fail on the first day. I’m focusing on one thing, and when it is settled and bedded in moving on to the next thing.

Well one month in, most of the changes I wanted to financially are done. There will be some on-going maintenance with it, but I’m now happy where most things stand. I will have more money to focus on the other things in my list and life, which are important to me.

I’m actually quite proud of myself today, cause instead of sticking my head in the sand, and hoping it goes away, I feel like I”m starting to move in the right direction.