What a weird couple of weeks. There seems to be this really nasty cold/bronchitis doing the rounds at the moment. And this time I didn’t escape it. I haven’t been this sick due to a cold in a very long time. I don’t think there was any part of my body that didn’t ache.

I’ve just finished at the doctors, and everything seems to be going ok. My cough is no longer hurting my throat, I have my energy levels back this morning, and I’m sleeping again. My back and stomach were so sore from coughing all the time which made it very uncomfortable to sit down for any length of time.

So today I’m feeling great, and motivated.

Now the point of this post. I found it so very easy to slide back into old habit’s when you aren’t feeling well. I’ve had a few problems to say the least over the earlier part of my life.

“Ok” so you say, “who hasn’t.”

Some of us learn from those challengers, others of us end up on the merry-go-round and repeat them time after time. Most of these problems stem from an event or chain event when we were children. I had quite a few of those events. When I decided to make changes to my life this year, I’ve kept a very open mind as to what I’m feeling, and what has been going on internally. It has lead me down a path of self discovery and horror at times.

My decent back down into hell this week, has been very different because I’m approaching it with an open mind. I could see why I was doing it, but I still sat back as an observer, and it was hard not to try and take any intervention. Part of me was happy, and satisfied that I was going back down this awful path again. Like it had one not just the battle but the war. It was very disturbing.

This is where it gets strange and hippy. There through all of this was a very stubborn and scared little child. It was me from my childhood. The one that was continually told the world is scary, and should not be trusted at any cost. You will be hurt. There are no positive outcomes, only degrees of pain. It was scared of all the changes I was making, and he needs to know what he can be safe without being so afraid.

So now my focus will be on making myself feel safe. To make my body feel safe, and to integrate this child back into my personality.  It has a very dark edge to it, and I’ve been terrified of the way it makes me feel for a long time. It’s fears aren’t rational, they are the fears a child has, and should of been taken care of a long time ago.  If I ignore it, it won’t go away, but it will continue to sabotage any plans I have for myself.

I won’t continue to lose weight, I won’t continue to get fitter, while it’s the one calling the shorts.

The turmoil that it is creating within me right now is really intense, and  I’ve said things to people over the weekend that I really regret. It was the child talking, and acting, and not the person I’m becoming. The one I’m immensely proud of. So to those I may have hurt over the weekend. I’m sorry.

I’ve been struggling again the last few weeks. I’ve gotten to the point on this journey of discovery, where you start to realise how tough some of the changes are. So many things we do are automatic, and we have done things a certain way for so long, we can’t even remember why we were doing it that way to start with.

The best way to describe it is, my brain is screaming out ‘stop’ at the top of it’s lungs. You are moving too fast, or do you really want to do this. You know deep down that the changes you making are for your own well being in the long run, where the status quo (i’ll call it the 8 year old child) goes why the hell do we need to change anything.

It has gotten so bad recently that it is keeping me awake at night, which is affecting my ability to think straight, or do the things I want to do. I’ve also been wrestling with some demons from my past. Things so deeply disturbing from my childhood, that it has affected every decision in my adult life. Now that it has come to light, I’m finding it frustrating to see the damage that certain events can have on the way you approach situations in you life. I’ve been shaking my head in disbelief with a lot of it.

So where to from here? I keep putting one foot in front of the other. There will be setbacks, and that’s all part of this journey. It is however time to start putting some focus on things I enjoy, as well as the things that help me grow.

Most important thing right now is to be getting plenty of rest, and sleep. So it’s going to my focus for the next little while.

At the beginning of December,  I was thinking about what New Years resolutions I wanted to write down and work on. About 20 minutes into it, I was like ‘what the..’ and promptly stopped. I didn’t want 2010 to be the same as the years that had gone before it. I wanted to make some changes, and my standard new years resolutions weren’t going to cut it. Like most people I would put them down, and by February they were all forgotten about.

I was single for the first time in years, and had lost the shield of a relationship to prevent me from doing the things I should be doing. I have to admit I’m damn lonely at the moment, but it does allow me to have a deeper look into myself and my life.

I decided 2010 was going to be a project, the beginning of a multi-year project. About those things I had been putting off for years. The things I didn’t like about myself, the things I could afford to let go of, and the things I wanted to change. It started off a massive list. I didn’t restrict anything at all. I have to admit it was huge, and it looked very intimidating at first.

One thing that seemed to be showing up through all of this, that most of things I needed help with needed Money of some sorts. Before you arc up and complain that money doesn’t bring you happiness. I know that only to well, but overwhelming debt can make you completely miserable, and effect all facets of your life.  I’m not going to get into detail of what got me into this amount of debt, people close to me already know.

So I ended up with a number of Category’s to work from, which turned out to be.

• Financial Responsibility
• Mental Health & Spirituality
• Physical Health
• Education
• Social Life
• Living Space
• Life Plan
• Relationships

So instead of trying to multitask it, and fail on the first day. I’m focusing on one thing, and when it is settled and bedded in moving on to the next thing.

Well one month in, most of the changes I wanted to financially are done. There will be some on-going maintenance with it, but I’m now happy where most things stand. I will have more money to focus on the other things in my list and life, which are important to me.

I’m actually quite proud of myself today, cause instead of sticking my head in the sand, and hoping it goes away, I feel like I”m starting to move in the right direction.

I know I’m not unique in what I’m about to talk about. Plenty of people have been in the same position that I’m in now. Realising that the life you wanted, is nothing like the life you currently have. I always expected to have things more together, have more of clue where I’m heading or what I want to be.

Lets have a quick summary of where I am.

• My friends all think I am a nice guy, my issue is I don’t believe it myself.
• Just come out of another failed relationship caused by my own self loathing, and ability to believe in myself.
• I’m lacking in self confidence.
• I’m trying to recover from a life threatening illness.
• I’m morbidly obese (it even sounds awful)
• I’m a type 2 diabetic.
• I’m stressed all the time.
• I worry more about the world around me, my friends etc, more than I do about myself.
• All the things above are killing me, and are all related.

So what am I going to do about it.

Well that’s the open book at the moment. I’ve decided its time to take things a bit more seriously.

• Concentrate on fixing the things that are hurting me today.
  • Diabetes under control
  • Get more sleep
  • Lower the level of stress in my life
  • Spend more time and contact with the people that love me
  • Getting better organised
  • Get help from people that have been there before.
• Start a future life plan of where i want to be in 1 years, 3 years, 5 years, 10 years.
• Hope for the best, plan for the realistic.
• Smile, laugh, and ultimately enjoy my own company.

It’s time to pull away from the black dog, and get back in the game of living. Cause right now I know one thing, I’m not happy and that is no way to live.